We're not satisfied until you're not satisfied.

Next on my list of home improvements is to replace the dinosaur of a range vent hood with an over-the-range microwave, simultaneously solving the issues of "it's ugly and broken" and "I have no countertop space." After one survey trip to Lowe's, I was ready to buy it the next night.

I want Lowe's to handle the delivery and installation, so I ask the employee in appliances to help me place such an order. Being brand new and yet untrained, he requests help from another employee. Employee #2 asks me about the project, enters all of my contact info, but gets to a point in the system where he doesn't know what to do next. He calls Employee #3 to come help.

Employee #3 is a manager-type, so I'm hopeful he can handle it. But, also stumped, he calls in Employee #4, also a manager-type, who also cannot complete this process.

You should know that it was not a special order product. It was sitting in the building. All they had to do was set up routine delivery and installation. I was about to leave when Employee #4, sensing this, brings me a bottle of ice-cold water.

In rides Employee #5 to save the day. We start from the beginning again. He enters the order, noting that the installation guy will call me when he is ready to deliver and install. After an HOUR-LONG process to buy an item that I had picked out ahead of time, I go to the front to check out.

At check out, the system shows I plan to pick it up myself. Nevermind the fact that I had answered "no" to that question 5 times over the previous hour. So Employee #5 has to be called to fix it in the system.

Surprisingly, the installation guy called and wanted to come the very next day. He enters my kitchen and says to me, "You aren't putting this THERE are you? Because, well, you can't." Turns out, an over-the-range microwave can't be installed free-standing. It must be surrounded by cabinetry.

So back to Lowe's I go for a refund. The lovely lady at Customer Service is perfectly "How can I help you? Oh I'm sorry you need a refund, what's the problem dear?" But she is also the person assigned to answer the incessantly ringing customer service phone... while one of the manager-types I had dealt with the night before slinks out of sight.

The boss installation guy had to come to the front to talk to me about it since I didn't have the product in my hands (though it was already back in the store). He was appropriately apologetic about the whole saga, even saying that they should have known to tell me the product couldn't be installed that way. I had paid with gift cards, so he offered to put my refund on a gift card. But instead of doing it right then, he said I could drive back to the store the next day to pick it up. (Really?) I asked him to mail it to me.

That was Thursday. On Sunday, I got a phone call from Lowe's Installation Services. The message? "This is Sally from Lowe's of Madison. I just wanted to follow up with you and make sure you are completely satisfied with the installation of your over-the-range microwave."

When I called her back, she saw no record of a return or refund being processed.

I'm telling you, I cannot handle the death of customer service today. Can't handle it. Wait until I tell you what happened to my aunt at McDonald's last week.

an update...

My refund was in my mailbox when I got home yesterday. Unfortunately, it was for less than half of the amount due me. They had refunded the installation cost, but not the actual product or warranty. Back to Lowe's I went... found the manager-types I had dealt with when ordering and explained that I needed the rest of my money back and NO, they could not mail it to me later. They made some phone calls... apparently they can't account for the product's whereabouts... not my problem 'cause it sure isn't in my kitchen. Eventually, I got my full refund.