The Rules

My pal Jeremy and I made an arrangement a while back. If we are both still single at 30, we will marry each other. And time is ticking.

However, if Jeremy marries someone before we're 30, then I'll have to marry Cole. I mean, "get to" marry Cole.

Now, one wouldn't want to jump into marriage without giving it some serious thought. Who will handle the finances? Who will cook? Will you have pets? Well, being the responsible people that we are, Cole and I have established some rules, should this day come. (Guess who wrote which rules.)


1. We vacation yearly to Hawaii until such time as we both find jobs there. We both work full-time until we retire. (Not a sticking point, since "full-time" in Hawaii means "9:00am - 2:00pm four days a week because you are at the beach the rest of the time.")

2. Cole gets a vasectomy before the wedding.

3. Laura pours Cole orange juice in "the glass" EVERY morning and wakes him up by serving it to him on a tray. Laura is dressed head to toe in a Wailana waitress's uniform. She MUST say "Time to get up, Cole!" instead of his alarm clock going off.

4. Cole will zoom Laura around on the moped that he'll get as soon as we land in Honolulu. Cole will give Laura the Miata (almost paid for) and he will drive the Triumph. We'll sell Laura's Honda.

5. We get a bulldog just like Daisy. (Later amended to read: We get Daisy.)

6. Our parents can come visit us any time, but can only stay for three days at a time.

7. Our wedding ceremony takes place on Hawaii. Whoever can't afford to come is out of luck. Scott officiates.

8. We play tennis every Saturday morning. Laura lets Cole win 25% of the time.

9. Cole will wear his red aloha shirt once every week without fail. Laura will wear cute summery dresses and flipflops all the time. We will be tan.

10. Cole will not make comments about Laura not wearing makeup, except to tell her how he likes it that way.

11. Our kitchen will have cherries. But our bathrooms will not have pink or sea foam green tile, for crying out loud.

12. Cole will learn to swim so we can snorkel all the time.

13. Laura will put all of her money into Cole's account. Cole will give Laura an allowance.

14. We will forevermore host the ACU Spring Break Campaign students until we get so old that we start driving the wrong way down one-way streets.

15. And all of this will happen in the house we found on Gore Avenue.